Friday, 21 November 2014

That's So Gay (Sort Of, Maybe)

If you missed the very first #crazybloggers chat last night, we had a big sex and swearing filled conversation about adult content on blogs. During it, I got talking about how helpful it would have been to have someone blogging about sexuality whilst I was trying to come to terms with my own, and I was honestly surprised by the amount of people that agreed. So, here it is, a little bit about my own experience with my sexuality, how I came to terms with it and a couple of things that I wish that I'd known. 

Girlfriends

I was probably sixteen when I fell in love with my best friend, who just so happened to be a girl. That genuinely wasn't a big deal for me at all, but mostly because it seemed like an untouchable, unrequited love; sort of like the one that I'd had for Ellen Page since the first time that I saw Juno, or Megan Fox in Transformers. The issues came with the fact that it turned out that she liked me back. This was foreign territory, I'd only had one serious relationship before this; I didn't get relationships at all, never mind one that was throwing me a bit for six. It's not that I struggled with the mentality of being gay, or pansexual, or bisexual or whatever it would turn out that I would be; but I had a hundred million questions, things I didn't understand and practical issues that I had no clue how to resolve. All I knew about lesbians came from some dubious - let's call them erotic videos - and what I'd seen on TV and in films. So, I did what I do best; took to the internet to see what I could find. It turns out, online researching what you're "supposed to do" when you get into a gay relationship is literally the single worst thing that you can do, because on top of worrying that I would be bad at it, I now had a million things to consider that I hadn't even really had on my radar before, like; Do people really scissor (and wouldn't one of us hit our head on the wall of my very small bedroom if we did)? Did we need... aids (and is glass really the safest thing to make them out of)? Do I have to come out as gay to my friends and family now (and would people just assume it was a joke if we announced our new relationship on Facebook if I didn't)? For some reason, instead of the very first time that I fell in love with a boy, I approached the first time that I fell in love with a girl very scientifically; and psyched myself out. It wasn't until I told her how scared I was that I realised we were both in the same boat and actually, we loved each other, and that was more important than the logistics (which, actually, it turned out were pretty easy to resolve and we managed to muddle through them together).

Now that I've grown a little older and explored a little more, I've found a lot of things - and one of the most important things I know now that I wish I'd known then was that most people do not care what the hell you're doing and with whom, at least not nearly as much as you think they do. I also learned that who I love doesn't define me, be they men or women or both at different times. I learned that searching for a label is time consuming, and mostly pointless because overall you will not be shouting about how pansexual you are to other people and people who fall in love with you won't be asking you for your label to check that you're compatible with theirs. It turns out, and who would have ever guessed, that falling in love when you're gay, pansexual, bisexual, asexual or otherwise is pretty much the same as falling in love when you're heterosexual, only with a different gender - and that's honestly something I wish someone would have told me when I was struggling with my own sexuality. Your sexuality doesn't define you, you don't need to hide it but you should feel free to if that's what you feel you'd like to do, you will come to terms with it in time even if it seems like the scariest thing in the world right now and overall? Don't f*cking google it, just go with your gut. Sexuality is natural, it's all natural, you are perfect the way that you are, don't overthink it.

What tips would you give to coming to terms with your sexuality?

Sammy xo.

If you liked this you might like: Is There Still A Sexuality Stigma?

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