Wednesday, 14 January 2015

Depression

When I think of depression, I think of a crushing sadness - and in a lot of cases that's how people may feel. I wasn't aware that depression can manifest itself in other ways intersected with sadness; pessimism, anger, numbness, a general feeling of being down. I wasn't experiencing a crushing sadness and so maybe that's why my depression went undiagnosed for so long - because I didn't feel like I was entitled to ask for help. This was something I haven't felt much like talking about in the last few weeks - I haven't told my parents, only a handful of my friends know, but the more I thought about it the more it seemed like it would be good for me to write it down. So, here it is.

Antidepressant sertraline

I have depression. It's something I think I should have seen coming and, looking back, it seems obvious - but at the time that it was really starting to swell inside me, all I really wanted was some sleep. As far back as March last year I've been struggling to sleep, I can count on one hand since then the times I've slept through the night - sometimes it's getting to sleep, often it's waking up multiple times in the night, sometimes it's putting off sleep because there are things I'm really irrational worried about. When I broached the doctor about this, and a general feeling of being down and sometimes angry amongst some other problems, she diagnosed me with depression and put me on medication. Due to issues I have with my image, something I discussed in my Looks Vs. Worth post, I've settled on Sertraline - an anti-depressant with no known link to substantial weight gain.

I originally wrote this post on a better day - I talked about how anti-depressants aren't a cure, how everything is heightened for me right now, but how I have hope. Today, looking back on this on a bad day, I've changed that. Depression for me at the minute is a constant struggle. I dread days that are sunny because it means I'm more than likely to be forced outside, I have days like today where I wake up plagued with self doubt feeling like I can't breathe and I stay in bed until it's dark again. Anti-depressants aren't a cure, sometimes I have hope, sometimes there seems like there's a light at the end of the tunnel and sometimes I think I've just convinced myself of that because the other options are unthinkable. I have no idea what the future holds for me right now, but I'm trying - I'm really, really trying.

I wrote this post for myself, I wrote it in the hopes that you might understand better about me - it's a sorry for the times I will struggle and Little Fickle will fall to the back burner, it's a thanks for for baring with me whilst all this is going on and it's also a promise - this won't last forever, I'll be writing a post one day about how bright things are now I've made it out of the tunnel.

Sammy xo.

If you liked this you might like: Looks Vs. Worth

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