I've spent a whole lot of my adult life being unhappy in my skin. I was what you might call a boisterous child, and I was always being told to quieten down, sit down, let other people speak. I was confident, loud, unwilling to back down - and these were all things that my mental health chipped away at. As a teenager, I grew up feeling like I needed to apologise for myself more often than not, I regularly bent aspects of myself to fit around others - but now, as an adult, I find myself unwilling to do the same.
I apologise because I hate confrontation, I apologise because I'd rather apologise for myself than get into a fight, I apologise because I hate the idea that I've hurt people - but the fact is, by apologising for myself, I'm making myself less of an attribute than I truly am. Yes, I'm upfront and yes, that can seem unpleasant - but honestly? I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry if my truthfulness upsets you. I will never be intentionally mean, but I would always say something to your face instead of behind your back. I'm sorry if my defending myself makes you think less of me, but the fact is I'm done with people being aggressive to me, and me apologising for being hurt.
Self acceptance is hard, and maybe it's something that comes with time, or age - but I'm willing to stand up and be the person that I am - unapologetically. If I am too much for people, it is no longer my inability to be smaller, but another person's inability to efficiently handle the size that I am. As Katy brilliantly paraphrased from a Tumblr post earlier this week, "The biggest mistake that you can make is to remove the jewels from your crown to make it easier for somebody else to carry."
The fact is - I am not an issue, I am not an unpleasant attribute that needs to be apologised for. I am loud, and upfront, truthful and sarcastic - I am also loyal and loving, empathetic and quick witted. I am a million things, and it's not my problem if people have issues with some of them. I am a woman made up of a catalogue of things, and not all of them will be pleasant - but if you can't find it in you to carry the heaviest parts of my personality, then you don't deserve the fun parts that can run rings around you. We are made the way we are for a dozen reasons, shaped by the lives that we lead and the people that enter and exit them - and we wear our positives and negatives out for people to see sometimes - and people who turn away because you're not the right fit for them? They didn't deserve to be looking at you in the first place, they certainly don't deserve your adaptation to fit yourself better to them.
Do you think self acceptance is hard? Do you sometimes apologise for yourself?