It's no secret that my mental health has been bad - if you follow me on Twitter, you get a day in/day out look at what's going on in my life, but I have been absent on here because of it. I made a little bit of a name for myself being so honest about my depression and anxiety on here - I was never shy about it and yet, this time I dipped lower than I've ever been before and I'm really struggling with it. This used to feel like a sanctuary for me, and in the last few weeks I've felt a little trapped by the idea of my blog - I wanted to be honest about how I was feeling, and yet I wasn't ready to talk about it; so I fell silent.
Many of you will know that I stopped taking my antidepressants a few months ago, but last week I started back on Sertraline. More than anything, this time this seems like a relief - it seems like a float in a sea where I didn't used to be able to see land. That's not to say this week has been easier - it hasn't; I find myself awake at half past five in the morning, already worried that in a few hours I'll have to get out of bed and face the day ahead, I still find it hard to sit down and tell the people closest to me how bad things have gotten and yet, this still feels like a step forwards, and it definitely is.
Signing up for university within the same couple of weeks that I was put back on medication for my anxiety and depression is overwhelming. Although I'm excited to have something challenging to do again, I struggle to find any faith within myself that I will be able to keep up with the course, especially as I'll be working from home and I won't have the support right in front of me. By then, though, I hope that I will be a few months closer to CBT - which will hopefully provide me a pathway for the future, something that I'm yet to have even after ten years of struggling with myself.
This isn't intended to be a woe is me post as much as an update, I promised I would do my best to show my depression in truth on here, no matter how ugly it got - and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't about at it's ugliest now. Right now, I'm sitting in the blackness and I'll be honest in saying that I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, but maybe, just maybe, starting back on my antidepressants is somebody giving me a torch to help me get by in the mean time.