Monday, 10 August 2015

Mental Health - Frustration

There are a lot of things that I find so frustrating about my mental health issues - I find it frustrating that I sleep too much sometimes, and then not at all others, that I struggle to take my tablets even though I know that in the long run they will work towards making me feel better. Overall though, without a doubt, what I find the most frustrating is not knowing how other people feel in contrast to how I feel.

I've been unhappy for a fairly long time and, although most days I find it possible to push through, there are some days that I find myself looking around my friends in the pub in complete confusion - because I have no idea what that feels like any more. For my whole teenage life and beyond so far, I have really dreaded all sorts of social occasions - whenever I leave the house I find myself clock watching, and even within my own friendship group I worry if my friends really do like me; thus, meeting new people can be really overwhelming for me. More than anything else that I find frustrating - it's this. I really don't remember what it's like to be completely content, lost in the moment, just enjoying myself.

Thunder Cloud Drawing

When I allow myself the indulgence of thinking about getting better - this is definitely one of the things that I strive towards. As much as my heads regularly tells me that we don't want to get better, we are - in equal measure - desperate to finally go out and not worry about when we have been there long enough to leave, or what everybody is thinking about me and what I chose to wear, or a million other things that people without poor mental health probably don't even think about. As frustrating as my parents and my friends probably must find it to try and imagine what my head currently feels like - I find it equally frustrating to work out the inner workings of other people's minds. I really am working on getting there, just like my family and friends are working towards understanding better.

Mental health is frustrating to deal with - but just know that as frustrating as it is to be around, it's considerably more awful to have to live through it. I'm trying to see life through other people's eyes, and I'm eternally grateful other people around me are working towards trying to see life through mine, as unpleasant as that might be.

Sammy xo.

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