Monday, 29 February 2016

Do I Regret Getting A Matching Tattoo?

When I was 18 I did a really, really stupid thing, even by my standard - I got a matching tattoo. It was with my best friend at the time, and it was of song lyrics from a band that we both liked. My tattoo is in my friend's writing, and hers is in my writing and at the time I thought it was ultimately cool (it isn't, really). Now, important fact about this friend was, although she was seeing a boy at the time of us getting tattoos, we were also romantically involved. It was messy and complicated and I thought that I loved her, but more importantly? I thought that she loved me, obviously, or I would never have gotten a tattoo in her handwriting.

I never told my mum that my tattoo was in this girls handwriting and her and my dad weren't too offended by it and to be honest, for the first year and a half neither was I. Things were good with our relationship - she broke up with the boy that she was seeing and we got together and honestly, for a solid month or two it was blissful. Then it got complicated. She thought I didn't care enough, I felt that she could be selfish and manipulative, she would go days if not weeks without talking to me and the last straw was six months into our relationship when she hadn't come to see me, or let me come to see her, for over two months. Painfully and messily we broke it off, and it soon became clear that there was no real love lost between us and so off we went our seperate ways, each with our own little permanent reminder of what had come before.

People who knew me then are keen to ask me about the tattoo from the relationship that, at the time, had seemed like the be all and end all. Do I regret it? Does looking at it make me feel sad or angry? Will I ever cover it up? They're all things that I've considered during the time we've been broken up of course - I was furious every time I saw it for months, I threatened to have it covered up even some of the time that we were together, of course there are times when I've regretted it. Time though, they say, is a healer, and I stand here four years later, nearly two years free from that relationship and I say to all of those questions; no.

I don't regret the tattoo, it marks a part of my life that I survived. I was so ill that she couldn't take it and yet I got through that and came out of the other side. It marks a passage of my life that lead me to the greatest love that I've ever known (cheesy, but true) and allowed me to recognise it as what it was. It doesn't make me angry or sad to look at; it's not her writing anymore, it was a message to myself to enjoy my life and marvel at it's wonders - it's a part of me and if anything it makes me feel like breaking it off was the best choice. Will I ever cover it up? No. Covering it up would be like blocking out the past, deleting her pictures and refusing to speak of her. I wasn't out to my family, but it was my first real gay relationship and it was a huge marker for me. The words might not be what I would choose in hindsight, but I'm proud of the scrapbook memory that they've become for me.

So there's my answer; I don't regret it. I don't regret it, and I wish her all the best I just have no desire to talk to her or write any more lyrics for her to get tattooed on herself. Of course I'd say think carefully about getting a tattoo but honestly, seeing it makes me proud of how far I've truly come. And for the question I'm sure you all want the answer to; yes, I do plan to get a tattoo at least for Katy, if not with her.

Sammy xo.

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