I don't know if you've noticed, but I spend a lot of time on here, talking about my life for the whole world (or at least the internet world) to see. I'm by no means a big blogger, but as the numbers tick upwards - I worry more and more about what I'm saying. As twitter falls apart at the seams, I'm careful with the words that I pick, more careful than ever and as I write my mental health posts and talk about recovery and how we'll all get over this mountain and frolic in the hills one day - I can't help but feel a little hypocritical.
It's easy for me to carefully sculpt my words and promote recovery - but when I finish my posts and cast my laptop aside to try to sleep, I still lie awake feeling like I'm pushing myself miles and miles further back from recovery every minute. I talk about moving forwards and pushing through it, but in reality I have those panicky, alone, 4am minutes where I'm convinced that I will never recover, that I'll never feel well again. I talk a lot about self harm, but until recently I haven't been able to do it clean and although I haven't lied - it just hasn't felt genuine. Talking about mental health is ugly, and it's instinct to try and make it that fraction more pleasant for those reading.
But, I've tried to be as honest as possible - I've talked about my downs as much as my ups, I've talked about relapse alongside recovery; yet I know that as hard as it's been to write, and as exhausting as it feels and as negative as I feel, I've followed my instinct and added a positive spin and I feel a little as though this isn't being as honest as I'd like to be, but I'm trying. This isn't a post saying things are worse than I've made them out to be, they're not - but as I watch people on twitter feel as though they're not doing well enough - I want them to know that they're not alone, that just because I'm talking about recovery, it doesn't mean that I'm there yet; it doesn't even mean that I'm close.
This isn't me going back on my word - in fact, to be honest, I'm not even sure what this post is. Something I felt like I had to say, something that was weighing on my shoulders, maybe; but this is just something I wish people would say to me. That I'm talking about my mental health and I'm encouraging you to get better, but that doesn't mean that I am better - it just means that I know that in the same way that I need encouragement, you lot probably do too. I want to be the person to you that you may lack in your life, I want to be your Katy - so to speak. The person that makes you feel as though maybe you can recover, if you try hard enough not to give up on yourself.
So maybe I'm full of my own self importance - but I just wanted to write a post because I feel a little hypocritical, and I want to clear waters that seem muddied; at least in my own mind. I want to say that we can be far away from recovery but still working towards it. I don't know what I wanted to say, but I feel like I've said it - so now let's move forward together.
If you liked this you might like: Self Doubt