Ever since I was a teenager, I searched for an elusive label - I fell in and out of different ones that seemed suitable for me - pansexual, bisexual, lesbian, gay, queer; but never quite settled for one. Instead, I settled for a girlfriend, and in that relationship I was given a label by others and maybe it wasn't what I identified myself as, but in all honesty - having the label was a relief. I fit somewhere, enough that I could come out, share it with people, make it a part of my identity. Then, when that relationship was over - I suddenly became aware of something; without that relationship, I'm back without a label; but where do I fit in?
It's not important to fit in if you don't want to, but it's something I've always wished that I had a word for. Do I like girls? Yes, I like girls. Do I like boys? Of course I like boys. I like people, I like the way they tell jokes, and the way people laugh awkwardly to cover up lulls in conversation, I like the difference in the way that people kiss, and the difference in the tricks that they have up their sleeves. In short - it's never been about a gender for me, I like people; genders are irrelevant, I search out a person who clicks with me, who's willing to still be up talking to me about absolute crap at 2am; more elusive than my finding of a label has always been finding someone who fits me, somebody who intrigues me enough to keep me interested.
So here's me coming out; and not for the first time. I'm pansexual, or queer, or bisexual or just somewhere in between. I want it on record that I'm not getting over a phase, I'm not too hurt to ever fall in with another girl, I'm not done with boys and trying something new; I will always search out the person that fits me best, not what gender that person happens to be. Whether for sex, or a relationship, or a future - I'm not willing to push myself into a box that I'm unsure about; I'm not gay, I'm not straight, I'm somewhere slap bang in the middle with no pull either way; people fascinate me and that's something that's simply never going to change.
This is a brain dump, as happens regularly on here as of late - but I wanted it on record. Falling out of the boundaries of a label that people assumed for you can sometimes feel like everyone is standing on the sidelines with their own opinion, ready to throw their hats into the ring - and so here's your clarification. I might have come out as gay, but didn't I say it was fluid? Here's the water moving down the path because what I truly like is people, and that's a label that's here to stay.
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