When I look at my life - I feel as though there's a lot relying on my happiness. I've been on a long journey and happiness still seems like it's a long way off, but it's a destination, I'm making steps towards it every day. Happiness is something that affects my life every day - every time I smile genuinely it's an achievement, every time a laugh bursts out of me; and I've documented all of my sad parts, all of the hard parts, up until now and I figure that it's about time I started documenting just a snippet of what makes me happy.
Being depressed doesn't make me love less - it makes me feel guilty towards those I do love - but they don't bring me any less happiness. I love my four year old cousin - her smile is infectious, her laugh makes me laugh; she's a mine of hilarious jokes and witty comments and honestly she's hilarious without trying - and she makes me happy. I'm in love with Katy - she knows exactly the right thing to say, she's funny and sarcastic and beautiful - and she makes me happy. So do my mum and dad, and my brother, my best friends. They make me happy, these days, tiny flashes of light in a world that can all too often seem incredibly black - they can't fix me, they can't take away my illness, but every now and again they provide a tiny minute of relief.
I give so much power to the things that make me sad - as part of my counselling I identify them, speak them aloud and take the edge off of them; but very rarely do I give power to the things that make me happy - from the big things like Katy right down to the little things like watching Jane The Virgin. So today - I'm taking my happiness and running with it. My blog makes me happy, you guys make me happy; and right now, it might not be enough to fix me, but it might contribute to my getting better out there in the long run. I might not be happy often, but I'm always privileged, always lucky, that all of these people, things and paths are in my life, that eventually they might form the very foundations of the path that I'm trying my hardest to keep travelling down.
I hope that, in the future, having known true sadness will really help me to find true happiness - that in some way, the world has been so black that the light will somehow seem even lighter. I'm sure soon, depression will rear it's ugly head again and I won't be able to see happiness anymore, but here's the proof. Here's the light. Today the only thing I'm giving power to is happiness.
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