Thursday, 19 May 2016

Real Recovery

There's been a lot of recovery posts on here lately hasn't there? Hope you're not getting bogged down by them, but there were so many mental health posts when things were awful that I sort of feel like I owe it to myself to put my recovery on here. I've broached the idea of recovery before, I've almost gotten there - I've had a few days here and there, a few weeks maybe, but never like this. This has been a holding my breath, touching wood and begging the days keep ticking onwards kind of recovery. We're not talking days anymore - we're talking weeks, a month, longer.

Recovery has involved a lot of things; it's involved reconnecting with old friends. This is something I've put off for a long time, but now I flood them with texts every day; we catch up with each other's weeks, plan coffee dates, meet in bars and make new memories to go with the ones we had when we were younger. It's involved kicking self harm - for good, pushing through it until I can honestly say I've been thinking about it less than half of the week, a few days in the week, barely at all. It's involved a whole lot of honesty, sitting in a therapy room crying, meeting new people. 

It's involved wanting to get better. It's involved this insistent pushing myself because I deserve something more than what I've had the last few years - something clicked within me and this recovery has been different; it's been remembering to take my tablet every single day, it's been honesty and truth and sadness. This sounds cheesy, but it's true. This time is different, this is the first time that I can honestly say that I think that I'm starting to recover. After a thousand false starts in various commonwealth's, I've got my shot to run for Olympic Gold.

I'm a long way yet - I'm 7 weeks from the end of my therapy course, I'm 4 months away from having to put it to the test when I start university and I'm a lifetime away from making sure that I keep myself up the best that I can; ask for help when I need it, recognise the idea that this likely won't be my last experience on anti-depressants. I'm a long way but I'm building the foundations for the future - for being able to have open conversations if I need to have similar conversations in the future.

I'm stronger than ever, I'm working hard and I'm moving forward in a way that I could never imagine. Sorry there's been a lot of recovery posts, but I'm proud. I deserve to be.

Sammy xo.

If you liked this you might like: Living With Social Anxiety

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