Friday, 17 June 2016

Life Is Still Happening Even Though I'm Anxious

Time, or so they say, waits for no man; or, in my case, woman. It seems ironic to write this as I'm sitting her in my Moofia pyjamas, surrounded by bits of crumpled up paper and watching Breaking Bad for the upteenth time - but I've just had an epiphany. I don't want to leave the house today; recovery has been kind to me so far, but it has it downs as well as it's ups - and I'm not overly sad or panicked today; but I'm reluctant. To face the world outside, I'm reluctant; the idea of new people, new places, new experiences - it all seems very overwhelming, and I'm reluctant.

That's not my epiphany - to clarify - that's just a bit of back story. I'm setting the scene for you, if you will, because I've just realised that part of my recovery is doing things even though I'm reluctant; because time isn't waiting for me. Life is still out there happening even when it isn't happening to me; the minute hands still click past on each clock whether I'm watching them or not, people fall in and out of love around me, events that I don't feel up to going to still happen - life is still happening out there whether I want to be a part of it or not. I am doing better than I ever was - but to make the most out of life, I need to make sure that I'm pushing through even when I feel this reluctant about life.

When I used to sit in therapy to try and battle the worst parts of my anxiety my councillor (shout out to Kate for getting me to where I am now, by the way) used to have me write down the worst outcomes for events that I didn't want to go to; they could be obscure or likely, it didn't matter - but they usually ranged from embarrassing myself to none of my friends ever speaking to me again. After I'd written down all of the outcomes that I could think of, I had to rate them - with anxiety, there will never be an option that quells those panicked feelings when you have to do something that you don't want to - but to get through it, Kate recommended that I pick my least shit option.

In this case, it's life. Life is my least shit option. Going out and doing things even when I don't want to, living life instead of letting it pass me by - that's my least shit option. It's not my best option, or at least it doesn't seem like it right now, it'll be tough and nervewracking and I'll have to push myself - but by far it's my least shit option. For a long time life has still gone on whilst I've been sitting on this same couch watching bad shows on Netflix - and I don't want this to happen forever; that's my most shit option. I don't want to feel that life is passing me by and I'm not truly seeing any of it - I want to live.

So this is my declaration to try harder and take my least shit option forward, because life doesn't stop just because I'm anxious, and I don't want to miss out on everything. Here's to picking the least shit option.

Sammy xo.

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