August is a weird month; it's the last month of Summer, as a kid it was the last month of freedom before you were back in school, this year for me - it's the final month before I start my life again after the time that I've taken out to recover. It's the last month of doing nothing, the last month of lying in and watching TV and doing emails at all times of the night - it's the last month of the years that I spent finding myself, and getting healthy and it's a new start; turning off the pause, getting straight back into the deep end.
Although it's actually October that marks my victorious return to education, September marks me getting my shit together - it marks me getting up at normal times, shopping for all the things that I need, figuring out timetables, getting blog posts scheduled so I'm not up in the middle of the night banging out a post for the next day; September is my last month off, but August is my last of this freedom. But, I'm not bitter about it; the last few months have taken their toll on me. They've been refreshing, and what I needed in order to get better, but they've also been such a huge comfort blanket for me.
Don't get me wrong; I'm so grateful for this recovery, for being allowed this time off to recuperate, to just heal - however, recovery is a lot easier when you're sitting inside, working at a laptop on your own, when you don't have to get out of bed on the days that are truly too awful to consider that an option. Recovery is a lot easier when you don't need to live exactly, just survive. But, I don't want that for myself. I don't want to be alive every day but not living - I wasted eleven years of my life living inside a dark cloud of depression, and now I can see the sun, I want to see everything the world has to offer me.
Getting back to my real life, the life that I truly want, is going to test me in every shape possible; but I want that. I want to go head to head with life and know I fought valiantly even if I come back every day battered and bruised, I want to keep falling until one day I don't anymore; because the only way to go into that ring sure I'll win is if I've done it and lost a thousand times to begin with. I am lucky enough to have gotten another chance, a second shot at life, and I don't want to waste it like I've wasted the last few years. I have my life back, and what I want to do is so much more than live.