Monday, 3 October 2016

Am I Being Too Honest?

I've spent my life on here for the last two years, and I've always been comfortable with it. I've always felt good documenting my struggles, putting them out into the world, it felt real and therapeutic. It felt honest - but now I worry, am I being too honest? Am I making myself hard to befriend, am I making myself of lesser interest because, although all my positives are up on the internet, so are all of my negatives. I feel like there's a reason that people don't talk about self harm, mental health, sex - and maybe I made a mistake by trying to break down that barrier.

Until I got better, it was a non-issue. I felt as though at my darkest, this was a release for me - and I was proud. I was proud that I found the strength to talk about everything that I was going through, and I was proud that I made it through, that I showed not only myself at my worst, but also through my recovery and onto the future. Now I'm starting a fresh future, I'm going to university and I'm about to meet people that I've never known before, and without the struggle being as obvious on me as a person, I worry about mixing that part of my life with this part. Is there such a thing as too honest? Am I being too honest?

I am proud of everything that I've put up on the internet to break stigmas, and my illness is frankly something I'll never fully recover from. I can be in recovery for the rest of my life - but I will never be recovered. I will always be working towards being better, I will always have relapses and black days, I will always look back on those posts and remember being that girl and I will always know that there's an average to high chance that I might be that girl again one day. I know all that, and I'm proud of it, but I'm also tired - I also resent my illness, and the fact that I could ever write those words.

I don't want anybody to ever feel alone, but it upsets me that I once was. I want people to understand self harm and suicide, but it upsets me that I've been in a place to know that most people don't at this point. I am not ashamed of the fact that I was ill - but I resent the fact that I was, I resent the fact that I had to live with a mental illness for a huge part of my life, and I resent that it plagues me and I don't have a choice in it at all. As much as I'm not ashamed or upset about that point of my life before, I just don't want to always be the girl that was ill, the girl that might be ill again in the future, the girl with the scars and the suicide attempt under her belt. I know I am that girl, but it's not all that I am, and I worry that on the internet that might not come across how I'd like it to.

So I won't stop being this honest, I'm proud of it - but please know that I doubt myself daily, I worry whether I should be doing this, whether I should move forward and keep quiet a little more. However, I'm here to stay, but if we're new friends know that my illness is a huge part of me, but not the only part of me.

Sammy xo.

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