Sunday, 23 October 2016

Six Months Clean

(TW; Self Harm)

It's been a weird old month, and so I've missed a few posts out and so this is running a little bit late to be honest; but, Katy and I got together on October 8th, which only slightly eclipsed the fact that this was also my six month anniversary of being clean. I wondered whether or not I should write about this, to be honest, but here we are; six months in and I'm feeling good. I'm not finding it as easy as I would like, I'm still counting down all the days and there's still days where the only thing that's getting me through is the number of days that I've already managed to smash - but it's irregardless at the moment, because I'm still doing it, I'm still six months clean, still determined to stay on this path.

Six months is a turning point - it's a point that I didn't think that I would reach and now that I have, it feels like a point of no return; it feels like six months is the decider; I can't go back now, recovery is very much real. I don't know what it is about six months, it's just a point that I thought that I would never reach, it's a point that I've never reached before and now I'm here I feel stronger, more capable, like I've got this under control and this healing is my life now, much more so than what came before.

There isn't really a point to this post except that I'm determined to keep talking - self harm was a huge part of my life, recovery has been an even bigger part and I need to keep my voice shouting - because I never want people to forget that I might be happy now, but there was a time that I really wasn't. I don't want to be the person that recovered and stops talking about the thing that plagued my life, I want to remind you that recovery is possible, and I want to remind you that it's okay that this isn't easy, and it really, really fucking isn't. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, and I did Russian History at A-Level.

So, I am still recovering, I am still more scars than skin in places on my body - and I likely always will be. But I'm happy, and I'm doing well; I'm still here and my days are still ticking up, and the worst thing in my life today isn't the fact that I've hurt myself, or I'm handling my self harm addiction, it's that my period pains are stopping me tidying the room, and I need to sit down and actually do some work for university in a minute. Recovery has been weird, and fast, and so fucking slow all at the same time, and I can't believe I'm already at six months.

So here's to the next six months, and the next six years, and so so much further - here's to recovery, and to inevitable relapse, and to knowing that I'm strong enough to get through anyway. Here's to me.

Sammy xo.

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