Friday, 28 October 2016

Wanderlust and Recovery

If there's a reason that I'm really, really angry at my anxiety (more so than the fact it affects my every day life) it's because it's stopped me travelling. If you know about me, the only thing I find scarier than travelling is the constant worry that I'll never get the chance. Recovery has allowed me to go further afar, there's a joke on twitter that I'm constantly tweeting about being on trains, I find that Katy and I are always looking at places to go, always booking hotels and tickets to go places whether it's for days, or weeks, and all in all - I find my wanderlust and recovery are constantly in battle.

And I'm getting there - we had a spontaneous few days in Blackpool getting tattoos and sneaking onto the beach late at night and getting drunk and filming videos, and we ventured to the Trafford Centre and I've been added last minute onto a holiday to Krakow in a few weeks - and I'm okay with these things that all would have seemed impossible this time last year. But, I still worry. I worry about everything; at a more manageable level, but it's still there. I constantly forget my tablets which makes me nervous, I constantly leave my glasses and contact lenses behind, I constantly worry about getting lost, about being on time for travel plans, about who I'll encounter.

But, I've found that now I can push through. I can go even when I worry about these things, I can handle a few days without my meds if I have to (although I wouldn't choose to), leaving my glasses behind isn't the worst thing that could ever happen and if I get lost I have google maps. I'm learning that I can worry about things and still prove to myself that I don't need to worry; I can worry I'm not going to do okay, but I can still get there and be okay no matter how much I worry about it.

Recovery is difficult - because it's not like my illness that is a barrier stopping me doing things, but rather this teasing, niggly voice in the background that's constantly whispering what ifs to me that are much harder to ignore. Recovery is difficult, but it's worth it. It's worth it when I wake up in hotels and know that I can go exploring, it's worth it when I look back on my photographs of trips away, it's so so worth it when I sit with my soon to be girlfriend watching stars and lights on Blackpool beach (slightly drunk) on a Thursday night.

Recovery and wanderlust are the two things I've found that butt heads in my life the most, but I'm getting there. I'm not letting my worry ruin my excitement, I'm not willing to compromise anymore, and back down, and worry. Wanderlust is a part of my life and always will be, I hope that anxiety is only temporary and so I refuse to lose experiences to it - I refuse to allow it to take away this want to see the world that I've always had in my blood.

So that's a brain dump of how I'm feeling right now - but basically, I'm not letting worry stop me anymore.

Sammy xo.

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