If you follow me on Twitter (shameless plug alert) you'll know that one bit of my degree is much, much worse than the other part of my degree - and that's Criminology. I wanted to love it, I did; but, truthfully, I find it fairly triggering as well as just difficult - so, so much more difficult than I had imagined and much more difficult than I'm finding getting to grips with English Lit. I've struggled through it, through lecture after lecture and I've tried to love it as much as I want to, but it's just not happening for me.
So the time has come to make a decision. At first it was dropping out, but I'm not ready to give up on this just yet - I'm not ready to give up on learning, to give up on bettering myself and projecting myself further towards the future that I want myself (although that really is still completely unknown at this point to be honest) and so instead, I've come to a crossroads because to change my degree I need to know what the fuck that I want to do with my life, or at least what the fuck I want to do with my life right now.
All I can say is that I really don't envy all the 16 and 17 year olds trying to do the same thing right now - I've had the option to live, to see parts of the world, to work a few years, to get the experience that I need in order to form some sort of decision for what I want to do with life in the future. I've had the benefit of nearly 7 extra years, and I'm still making the wrong decisions, working out my future purely through attempts and failures. All in all - it's been a tough few years but I'm still working out the kind of person that I want to be, still learning how I want to better myself and add to my skill repertoire.
So here's me changing my mind - maybe to something similar like sociology or theology, or maybe to something completely different like fine arts or English Language, I just don't know anymore; but I know that I've finally gotten comfortable with that fact that it's okay not to find out what I want to do the first time round, or even the third, or even the tenth. It's okay to keep working forwards in a direction even if I don't know when it's going to end in the long run - it's okay to fail, to start back at the beginning, to try all over again.
So here I am saying back to square one (okay, more like square two if we're honest, because I'm still keeping up with English Literature) and I'm okay with it for once, I'm determined to find my way no matter how long it takes me to get there. Any tips appreciated though!