Kudos to Panic! At The Disco early days for this title (Camisado, if you wanted to give it a listen now I've reminded you) but it just seemed to fit perfectly. I've touched on relapse and recovery on my blog, and I talk about it a lot of twitter, but I felt as though it was just about time for me to sit down and spill my feelings onto a page about how I'm feeling because right now, I'm scared. Mental illness is scary, and for me personally recovery has been every bit as scary as before I recovered - before I only worried about myself, but now I feel as though I have a lot to lose if I relapse, I have a lot resting on the shoulders of my recovery and my maintaining it.
Realistically, the only person who feels like a lot rests of my recovery is me - I know that, people tell me that all of the time; but to me it seems logical. When I was ill, a lot of people left, I was isolated - now I am better and those things aren't issues anymore; so, logically, in my head my illness is linked with a sense of people leaving, with a sense of isolation (wow, this got dramatic fast even by my standards, didn't it?). Mental illness is hard, and it makes you believe things that aren't true - and even now I'm better, some of those hardwired ideas have stayed fast within my head and I'm nervous about it, I'm worried, every time I have a bad day it's like I can see that void opening up again ready to drag me in.
This time though, I've been sensible. I've let myself cry and I've let myself wallow, I've cancelled university lectures and caught up online, I've called my therapist, adjusted my medication and made sure that people know that although I'm still upright on this tightrope, I'm feeling like it's pretty wobbly some days and there's no safety net underneath. I'm taking care of myself, I'm doing everything that I should, I'm still 100% better on my bad days now than I ever was on my good days this time last year, but I will have months like this; when new things and new experiences throw me off course and leave me wondering whether I can do this, whether I'm destined to end back where I started. Logically writing this I know I'm too different and aware for that to happen, but it's still a worry. Mental illness isn't logical, neither are these worries.
So I've relapsed, and I'm learning to relax a little more about it - because unfortunately for me relapse is a huge part of my life for the future, and learning to cope with it is something that I really will find invaluable in the future.
So here's to relapse, and learning to calm down a little about it - though it's easier said than done.