Saturday, 19 November 2016

Take Two

There's some places you just don't ever expect to be again when you leave; and here where I am now is one of those places. The place, for reference, is Katy's bedroom, surrounded by our joint belongings and listening to a snoring dog. This was a place, both literally and metaphorically that I just thought I would never be again - and it's not a bad thing that I am, and it's not a secret because you've all known for weeks that Katy and I are back together, but I've put off talking about it for a little bit until I felt like I've really got my head around it enough to talk about it on here.

Being back with Katy is wonderful, and beautiful and perfect. It's being back in a place that I love, but being healthy and grown up enough to realise that it's different this time, and we are different this time, and much more rests on it than did before. I am happy to be here, and it feels like a step forward in a direction that I can't wait to be in - but it's also full of anxiety; with figuring out where we are now as very different people, where our future lies - it's like trying to work out how soon is too soon when we've only been dating for a month but also for over a year. It's settling into a rhythm, whilst at the same time making sure that the rhythm isn't the same one that broke us up in the first place.

It's starting again whilst knowing everything about each other already and it's difficult, and wonderful and lovely - and it's just so hard that people around us have made their feelings so clear that we are suddenly in this limbo between people, and experiences, and life. It's different, and the same, and I'm still getting my head around the fact that after months of sobbing because I wasn't back here, doing this - all of a sudden I actually am, back in this house, in this bed, with this amazing human.

So here's to the second take, and truthfully - I don't know where this will lead. I don't know whether I'm going to fall back down the rabbit hole and lose myself, I don't know whether I'm going to continue thriving, and living and moving forwards; my future surrounded by myself is so unsure that adding other people into the equation only serves to make it a little more complicated, a little more tricky to navigate. We're working through it though, it's so worth it.

I can't wait to see what the future holds for Katy and I, I can't wait to wake up curled around each other in our own flat, with our own dog - I can't wait for the future to happen. Here's to take two, and hoping it's a lot more successful than take one.

Sammy xo.

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