Monday, 21 November 2016

(TW: Suicide/Self Harm) The Year Since

(TW: Suicide/Self Harm)

It's no secret that I've recently surpassed a year since I was referred to my crisis team post near suicide attempt. It's been a long, taxing, life affirming year and I'm so glad that it's finally behind me. But, I felt as though it was time to talk about it - a lot of you have followed this journey from rough beginnings to calmer ends, but for those of you that haven't, I don't want to graze over the past that led me here, and so I'm ready to talk.

I'm not going to talk about what happened this time last year - there's posts around on it if you want to find them but I don't want to dwell on that day, which was one of the worst days of my life. As much as I spent the first few months after speaking about how grateful I was for my life, and how much better things were finally getting as I sat in therapy for weeks on end; I was guilty over brushing over the worst bits. I was quick to omit how hard self harm urges were beating me down, I didn't talk quite as much as I think I should have or wanted to about how hard it was to really get over suicidal urges - but I made it here nonetheless.

I could sit here and say how hard it is - and it was - but you've heard it all from me a million times before. Instead, I want to say this; the year since has been the best year of my life. I've learned to love people, trust people, embrace my scars, and really start to appreciate the life that I all too nearly didn't have. I've learned to sleep at night knowing that I'm doing worthwhile things in my life, and my worst days now are 100 times better than my best days this time last year. As hollow as the words sound, and as much as I'm sure you've all heard them a thousand times before; I want to reiterate the fact that it can and will get better.

I want to say that I did it by myself, that I learned my strength because I had to, because I had nobody to lean on except myself; and only in those times do you truly realise the kind of person that you were destined to be (too cheesy? Maybe). Through being so ill, I found my voice - I learned to shout, I learned to scream for people who felt their voices weren't being heard and now I stand 10 years older than the time when I got ill, but a completely different person. I'm not the girl hiding at the back anymore, I'm the woman on her soapbox at the front.

So the last year has been the hardest of my life, but undoubtedly the best. Come through for me, 2017, god knows I'm trying my hardest.

Sammy xo.

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