Wednesday, 21 December 2016

Embracing My Flaws

(TW: Mentions of scars, self harm, eating issues)

This was a post that I knew I'd wanted to write for Positive December since the idea came to me - but I keep putting it off. As much as I'm coming to terms with myself as a person I still have a hundred flaws that I wish were different - and more than I'd like to admit are rooted in how I look physically. I'm not stupid enough to have been through years of self harm, of abusing my body and barely sleeping and overeating and undereating without realising that my body shows some serious signs of it. My journey has been a long one, it's been tough and I'm so proud to come out of the other side, but embracing those flaws has been so difficult, it continues to be difficult every single day, but I'm slowly but surely getting there.

I have scars on my thighs, self inflicted and otherwise. They're unsightly, and where a lot of people worry about stretch marks, I used to worry about the words on my skin. I'm slowly coming to terms with them, I'm learning that I'm not defined by my past and that they're just scars of what I survived. I've learned that, as distressed as I am by those scars, they're only proof of how strong I am as a human, how much I can get through and keep fighting. As much as it's been hard to embrace them, they are almost exclusively positive to me, the more I think about it.

I have stretch marks on the inside of my arms. I've gained and lost weight rapidly a number of times, and they've not fared well. I used to shy away from short sleeved t-shirts, be ashamed of them because I'd never seen them on other women - but the fact is, I'm cute as fuck; a few stretch marks don't change anything. Also, they frame my infinity tattoo and they kind of look like boss little lightning bolts now they're fading, so that's not all bad.

I have a stomach. It's chubby and I have love handles, and I'm never going to be a Victoria's Secret model, but I'm okay with that. I'm a size fourteen, not a size six, and I'm happier now than when I was a hell of a lot smaller. I'm sure in the future I'll want to eat better and get fitter, but the fact is - I've been through alot in the last few years, and so if I want to eat some cake then I'm going to eat some cake. I'm chunky, but I'm hella funky.

I'm full of insecurities - but I definitely think that I'm working on embracing them; if you've got any tips though, I'd love to hear them!

Sammy xo.

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