Tuesday, 3 January 2017

New Year, Same Antidepressants

Cheery title there, Sam, you've really outdone yourself. Though, contrary to what said title would suggest, this really isn't a negative one, just one that seems relevant to me right now, something that I wish that somebody else was saying. In a world of Facebook statuses declaring New Years, New You, it's okay to have a new year and be the same old you. It's okay to not be some amazing, advanced version of yourself as the minute hands tick from 23:60 (technically correct this year, look it up) to 00:00.

I am a very different person this year than I was this time last year - I'm bolshy, loud, confident and a million other things; but that doesn't mean I'm a new person. I sit here, a new, confident person, ready to enter 2017 and still be this confident - still be this person; antidepressants and all. I won't be going into 2017 without my depression, without my anxiety, my fluoxetine prescription suddenly redundant except to serve as kindling for a log fire - I'll be going into 2017 sure of myself, and more than aware of the fact that my development and advancement can't be measured by the new year's that tick into existence.

I wasn't going to write this post; but I realised that throughout my recovery I made it seem as though I went from rock bottom to cloud nine in a matter of no minutes whatsoever, I went from not wanting to live to seeming as though it was easy, I was suddenly a ray of sunshine. I stopped mentioning my fluoxetine, stop mentioning my illnesses; they seemed fake somehow, false if I was happy, it seemed like some kind of weakness to accept that my chemical imbalance was fine now, but only as long as I kept taking those green and white capsules.

As people talk about how far I've come in the last year, I am grateful for the support; for the people that walked this journey with me - but I also want to remind everyone that hasn't made it here yet that not reaching where you want to be by the New Year isn't something to be ashamed of, battling and surviving year round is fine, relying on false chemicals because you lack what you need is fine, being recovered solely due to that medication is fine. New year, same old medication - and I'm fine with that, I really am.

Sammy xo.

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