I don't really know where to start with this post - I just feel like it's been a long time since I've been frank. These posts have been really few and far between lately and, as much as I'm recovering and I'm much better now than I ever was and I'm using my coping mechanisms, anxiety is something that will stay with me my whole life. I will always react differently to certain situations, there will always be times that I find people, and locations, and experiences really overwhelming; but I'm getting there. It's time to talk about what recovery really means for me, and where I think I'll be headed in the future.
This month has marked some huge changes for me - because I've been able to arrange a number of things that I'd never have been able to do prior to my recovery. I've been teetering on the edge of something, holding my breath and praying not to take a step backwards for so long that I've forgotten to actually start testing my boundaries; making the most of the person that I've been lucky enough to become in the last few months. This month has marked change for me - it started with Latvia, and it's ended right here with this laptop, and I want to talk about it.
Latvia was sort of a test for me; it was this hold your breath and hope for the best type of thing. Realistically, I knew that it was going to be okay - but it meant being away for a fair few nights, in a country I'd never been to before, who spoke a language that I had no idea about. It tested everything that I knew in theory I could do; but it turned out that I could do it in practice too, and I feel like that's made me a whole new person altogether because I'm suddenly so aware that I can actually do it. So, we've booked gig tickets (The King Blues and New Found Glory, if you're bothered), we've booked more holidays (Poznan, and we're planning Rome for my birthday) and all of a sudden, I'm not just wanting to move forward, I'm actually taking tiny baby steps towards doing so.
So here's to the future - to actually being able to travel, and see the bands that I want to see - and actually get my shit together and work harder on everything, and do more when it comes to Katy and I. I'm so pleased that I passed a test that I never meant to set by going to Latvia, and I'm pleased that all of the boundaries that I thought were in my way turned out to be theoretical, because I'm not scared any more, I'm ready to go, and move forward, and be the girl that I'd always hoped that I'd end up as one day.
I've realise that I will always have anxiety, it will always be a huge part of my life, but it doesn't need to rule my life anymore.