Thursday, 23 February 2017

I Have Felt

(TW: SH/Suicide)

The last year has been a whirlwind of feelings; I feel like on this blog I have felt every single type of emotion possibly; I started a miserable, unhappy, broken girl - and I've ended up something different; realised my own strength. This is a post to reflect; a post written nearly a year clean of self harm, a post written over a year from my near suicide attempt, 6 months since leaving therapy, a fiance to a beautiful woman I never saw being in my life anymore. This is about feelings, the last year, and a whole lot of change.

I have felt broken - lost, worthless, unfixable. I have felt as though my life is going absolutely nowhere, there is no point in continuing. I have felt as though I have nothing to offer the world, as though I am nothing more than dust in the universe, I have felt like I deserved the worst things that happened to me, the things that I did to myself. I have felt as though this world would be better off without me, as though I was nothing but a burden and a weight on those around me. I have felt a hundred things that I don't feel anymore; I know what it's like to feel as though I am a gift to the world, as though the people around me are lucky to have me, I know the things I did to myself to survive don't define me, things that happened to me were far from my fault. I have realised what it's like to feel worthy of the life that I've created.

I have felt alone; I have felt as though I will never go out of my house again, never laugh with my friends again, I have felt as though it would be me and top ten scariest on YouTube from now until forever. I have felt as though I had no future, there was no way that somebody would ever love me, I would never have children, or a house, or pets. I have felt alone in a way that I don't feel anymore; I know what it's like to fall asleep next to the person I love the most wearing my engagement ring and planning for our future house and children. I know what it's like to laugh with my friends, to reach out to them when I need help, to know I'm never alone no matter how much it can feel like I am sometimes.

I have felt sad, and anxious, and like my illnesses define me - and I still do sometimes; but I have learned so much in the last year. I have learned that my brain function differently, I have learned that I will always feel too deeply, react differently; I will likely need to take anti-depressants on and off throughout my life, I will always have bouts of anxiety no matter how well I learn to control it. I don't feel that this defines me anymore; I am funny, and strong, and I have a voice I use for important things - all of this defines me more than my illnesses.

So that's the past year; I have felt a lot of things that I don't anymore, and hopefully that goes on.

Sammy xo.

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