It's been a while since I talked about medication hasn't it? It's been a while since we upped my dosage because I was feeling so tired, a while since I was wondering if it was doing what I needed it to, and a while since I came off my anti-depressants altogether. Fluoxetine saved my life; it gave me my life back, I will probably need to rekindle my flame with this old faithful in the future - but I can't say that I'm sad to see these green and white capsules go.
Coming off anti-depressants is a strange thing. It's constantly sitting on the edge of the wall and never knowing if you're going to fall; or in my case, and the case of many other people with anxiety disorders or severe depressive tendencies, never knowing when you're about to fall off the wall again. For the last few months I've been holding my breath, waiting for my life to crumble in, waiting to need to go running back to the tablets that saved me - but it hasn't come yet. I've been getting up every morning, getting dressed, walking the dog - laughing, smiling, living - for want of a better word, I've been fine.
I'm scared though; like breaking up with a partner that you've learned to live your life around, I'm scared that I'm going to need to go back there, I'm scared that I'm going to fall into old ways and old patterns without even realising, I'm constantly scared that this new start is too fragile, going to well. I am made up with myself to have come off of the medication I was depending on, I was never ashamed of it - but I'm definitely proud to be living without it. I'm wary, but hopeful.
I don't have much to say here, but I felt like I wanted to say something. I wanted to note this feeling of worried, but positive. I want to mark the first time in twelve years that I'm happy, coping, and medicine free - three things that definitely haven't coincided in the past. Thanks for saving my life Fluoxetine, I'm forever grateful for the time that we spend together, but for now it's goodbye from me.
If you've come off anti-depressants, I'd love to hear your experience.