Monday, 1 May 2017

The Need To Succeed.

You may have noticed (though most likely not) that I've been missing from here for a fair while. There's been a lot going on, with university (or maybe swapping courses), and work (including freelance, blogger subscription boxes and an actual full time job) and generally trying to keep my head above water. I've been feeling a serious amount of pressure though; this need to be good at something, or everything. I feel like everything I put my mind to, or my weight behind, needs to be 100% successful or it's been a waste of time, and so my blog has fallen behind, because if I can't put everything that I have behind it - make it a complete success - is it even really worth it?


Since I started in recovery - I feel like I have something to prove. I need to prove that I'm better, and I need to prove that I'll carry on being better; gone are the days of being average, it's not good enough now. Whereas when I was ill anything was an achievement, now that I'm in recovery it just doesn't seem good enough; great is the enemy of good and a thousand other cliches - I need to prove how well I am, how good I can do. I need to keep pushing forward towards something else, make my next venture a success - I need to do a thousand and one things perfectly to make up for the eleven years that I didn't do anything at all worthwhile.

I'm trying to learn to have fun - because that's what this blog was supposed to be; a little fickle blog, a blog full of all of the silly, fickle things in life that I was loving at the time. I'm trying to remember that all work and no fun definitely makes Sam a dull girl - but I can't shake this feeling that I should be doing more, taking more on, making something of myself. I'm slowly coming round - learning to do things for me, considering what I want for the future instead of what I think I should be doing in the future; I'm looking to drop out of the course I felt I was supposed to do and start up on the one I wanted to do, looking to go out more, trying harder to stop myself pushing myself to the limits.

So I'm coming back to Little Fickle, I'm going to start running, I'm trying to remind myself that it's okay to do things to the best of my ability, whether that's doing everything to the best it can be, or whether it's just to the best of my abilities. I'm going to take some breaks, start wearing makeup and talking about my favourite lipstick and I'm going to remind myself that I didn't work this hard at recovery to run myself into the ground. Welcome back with open arms to those of you reading, those of you who missed me, and those of you who didn't even realise that I was gone.

At this point, I'm not even sure that this makes sense - but writing everything down is allegedly supposed to help. Here's to a fresh start.

Sammy xo.

2 comments:

  1. You go, girl. We are still here (:

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  2. So glad you're back! I love your blog, and I've definitely noticed your absence. I can relate, too. As soon as my mental health showed significant improvements, I ran myself ragged blogging, working, etc. I kept myself so busy, I ended up a little miserable because I wasn't allowing myself time to do other things I really enjoyed (like playing The Sims!) Now I take regular breaks, give myself time to do things I love as well as pushing myself to do better with my blog and my job. I hope you can do the same! www.aimeeraindropwrites.co.uk

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