Monday, 17 July 2017

What If...

Growing up you always feel like the queen (or king, or non-binary ruler) of everything, don’t you? I know that I did - but a huge part of that helped that I was the best at a lot of things; I could write the fasted (and the neatest, my year 4 teacher used to give me balloon animals to prove it), I was good at maths, I even played every game in rugby (admittedly, there were only 2 girls on the team and it was compulsory to play two girls on each team, but I just don’t feel as though that was really the point). When I started high school, I was placed in the top 3% of my year group and labelled gifted and talented in English, Maths and Science - I was the top, and I guess that I thought it’d always be like that.

Since I was around 16 though, I’ve coasted. I get bored easily, have grand ideas, get restless, lazy and annoyed that my dreams don’t usually match up to the reality that I’m living. I’ve worked mediocre, low paid jobs, I’ve used all of my money to travel and I’ve gotten myself into debt that I’ve only just started to get myself out of - and every step of the way, I’ve felt like it would all just fall into place one day, that somehow fate would intervene and I would become the person that I was meant to be (which usually tended to be rich, with all white Ikea furniture). 

But now I’m starting to think, what if I just… don’t?

What if I don’t just have it all fall into place, what is coasting is going to come back and bite me on the arse and I’ll never do better than I am now? What if I end up taking a university course that doesn’t help me at all, what if I never pay my debts off and as amazing as the holidays have been, they all start to add up to not being able to afford a house or a family when it comes to me wanting them. I worry all the time about the what if’s, and it’s so overwhelming, and suffocating, and difficult to cope with. I try not to put too much pressure on myself, but I’m nearly closer to being 30 than being 20, and there’s something really scary about that, something that makes me feel like my life is somehow unfulfilled and I should be working harder, being someone, doing something.

I know everyone hits their pace in life at a different time, and I even logically know that if I don’t hit it at all, that’s still fine - but since being in recovery, and getting clean, I definitely feel as though I’ve wanted more from myself, wanted to push myself more, wanted to make sure that getting healthy and being able to do great things wasn’t in vain - now I can, I feel like I definitely should, or what’s the point? I’ve talked before about great being the enemy of good, and it’s definitely reared it’s ugly head again in the last few months. Don’t get me wrong - I’m happy with my life now, engaged to Katy and travelling to all different places, but I just feel as though what I've done isn't enough, or perhaps that I’m not.

I’m working on trying to get rid of those ‘what ifs’, but if anyone has any tips, they’d be gratefully received. Similarly, knowing that other people feel the same is comforting, so please let me know if I’m not the only one.

Sammy xo.

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