Tuesday, 23 January 2018

The Year Since Fluoxetine

It's been over a year since I stopped taking fluoxetine, and I guess that I've put off writing this post. The thing is when you talk about your mental health a lot, and you're brutally honest, is that you want to show people both sides of the coin. When I was ill, I wanted awareness of all of the awful, true things that came along with my extreme depression and anxiety, and I had it in my head that when I came back and discussed it properly again, it had to be something really big and inspiring. After a lot of thinking I've realised that this doesn't have to be inspiring at all, like my mental health posts have always been, this just needed to be one thing; honest.

In pretty much every way, the past year has been much better than many of the ones that came before it; we're engaged, we travelled so much I lose track of the countries that we went to, Katy and I settled into living together. My depression didn't plague me every day, I had next to no days where it felt impossible to get out of bed. Things have definitely been better. Though, I have to say, maybe not as much better as I might have liked. That's not to say I'm not grateful, not lucky, not happy; but it's easy to forget in the swing of things how big a part anxiety has always played, and will always play, in my life.

Some days it just creeps up on me, or turns up unannounced, or makes it impossible to remember what life was like before it. I have days and days without it, and then suddenly it's like running into a brick wall, and my whole life is a series of 'what if's, and I can't concentrate past this vague feeling that something might go wrong. It's less frequent, and big issues are few and far between, but that doesn't feel like much of a consolation when I'm lying crying and stressing about something I said to someone six months ago in passing that they definitely don't remember.

Generalised Anxiety Disorder is something I'll live with forever, and it's so easy to forget that; so easy to rest on my laurels when it's going well and so easy to forget that it'll come back one day. It's hard to get my head around the fact that I might still be lying awake worrying about these insignificant things in ten years time, or that my kids might struggle with this like I do one day. I haven't wanted to talk about my life with generalised anxiety disorder because I'm so aware that it can only get better to a certain extent, it'll always be that family friend that you can't quite shake.

There's no point to this post except to fill the void I'm acutely aware I've avoided filling since I've stopped taking my anti-depressants, and I wanted to be honest, I want this on my blog in case it makes one person feel just a little less alone in their 'recovery' process.

Sammy xo.


  1. Hugs for you. Hugs for Katie. I hope that as time marches on, you find that you don't mind that family friend quite so much in ever growing increments.
    X thewonkyjen

  2. I really love how many people are feeling strong enough to talk openly about their mental health-that can only be a good thing. You write so well about how you're feeling-just imagine how helpful this is to someone feeling the same who thinks there is something wrong with them (when we know there is not)