Monday, 26 February 2018

How To Spend 14 Hours In Warsaw

7:32am: Arrive in Warsaw, absolutely desperate for the toilet and horrendously on your period. Seek out toilet by walking in a big circle around the station. Find toilet, laugh along with a woman talking to you in Polish as to not seem rude. Change menstrual cup, complain about your life, wash hands, find an uber.

7:37am: Try and find out which McDonalds you should choose out of a long list of Warsaw McDonalds. Pick one at random, wait for Uber whilst wishing literally anything was open as your hands are turning blue and the fog is so thick you cannot see the end of your nose.

7:40am: Take Uber to McDonalds of choice, whilst constantly being offered Werthers Originals by the driver (who doesn't have the heat up even nearly high enough).

7:42am: Arrive at McDonalds, which is still far, far too cold. Find out they make up for it by offering either two hash browns OR large fries with your breakfast. Absolutely cram it down your throat as you've been awake since 3:00am and on a coach since 5:00am. Promptly fall out of the door when leaving McDonalds, much to the amusement of your girlfriend.

8:31am: Decide to look for the ghetto wall, which should be just seven minutes THAT Way

8:33am: Maybe that way?

8:34am: No, definitely the first way

8:37am: Still looking....

8:49am: Thoroughly sick of looking. We passed this building when we started 15 minutes ago didn't we?

8:57am: After google mapping the ghetto wall, find it. Out of site. Behind a locked gate. Give up on ever seeing it, cross a dual carriageway in a dangerous way to get to the mall, find a Starbucks (thoroughly desperate for the toilet again).

10:00am: Having visited Bath and Bodyworks, H&M, Bershka and the usual cosmetic shops, make the decision to head into the old town. Use iTaxi and get a really nice taxi driver who is happy to act as a tour guide. Pass many beautiful buildings, end up in the old town square and find out that the symbol of Warsaw is a mermaid, which feels like some sort of sign.

10:30am: Having wandered for a while, find a vent from a bakery and stand on it to stay warm, eventually admit defeat and decide to brace the cold (now wearing gloves and earmuffs) to get to see Sarkis: Angel Rainbow. Take pictures in front of a giant neon rainbow, guess the name of pictures in the gallery, take cool instagram shots

11:22am: Stop for a cocktail, in order to brace yourself from the cold you know is coming, of course.

12:40am: Call for a taxi to get to the Neon Museum, arrive and take approximately 20,000 pictures outside with signs that aren't even on. Once again make a mad dash to the toilet, buy tickets and head in.

2:10pm: After spending nearly 3 times the average visit time in the museum, and armed with photo after photos of bright coloured lights, head out to take more with the signs outside. Try to find somewhere to eat, with no luck. Watch your girlfriend jump on a zipwire, get chatted up by a 14 year old. Head out to get yet another taxi back to the old town.

2:40pm: It's getting dark - head into Tiger, buy things that we definitely don't need but love anyway, come out desperate for food.

3:20pm: Pizza hut is full, not a good sign. Walk to another place on google maps.

3:40pm: Also full, is it national pizza day or something? 

3:50pm: Finally find pizza place with heat, alcohol and a spare table. Settle self at table, order beer, bask in the warmth, drink beer and order food.

4:00pm: All of the lights go off. Then someone goes to fix them and they come on again. Repeat this for at least 8 further times until the lights stay on for good. Eat the best pizza probably in the whole world (you were hungry, okay?), finish beer, pay up the extortionate (not) £16 and head back out into the night.

5:40pm: Google maps back to the old town to find out you walked in a huge circle to get from tiger to this pizza place, and it was approx ten minutes down the road. Throw a strop and threaten to sit down if you don't get a taxi. Realise you're being dramatic and the Old Town is only 15 minutes away, grumpily agree to walk.

5:53pm: Absolutely desperate for a wee. Again. How long until the old town?

6:23pm: Arrive, desperate for a wee, only to find out cafes here don't really have toilets. Finally find one in a tiny tea cafe that you have to go downstairs to find. Aim to empty your cup out due to aforementioned horrendous period, only a woman knocks on the door the whole time you're in there so instead finish up and head back to drink pepsi in a dedicated tea cafe.

7:13pm: After playing peekaboo with the cutest baby in the world for a while, head out into the cold to wander for a while.

7:45pm: Bored of wandering, head back to the town centre, find a tiny bar and try to get across the fact that you want vodka AND coke in the same glass. Finally arrange this to drink a glass of what tastes like you imagine turps would taste like. Drink it anyway whilst looking out of a window that appears to be made of scuffed plexiglass.

8:30pm: Pleasantly buzzed due to the half a bottle of vodka you've now had, head back to the coach station. 

9:14pm: Board, get comfy and settle down into your seats, having been awake for 18 hours, walked 27,000 steps and possibly contracted frostbite in your extremities. Vow to come back one day.

Sammy xo.

1 comment:

  1. I love the way this post is written and very commical in places, I hope you enjoyed your day despite the cold weather :) xx

    Yasmina | The July Journal