Friday, 30 March 2018


(TW: Self Harm)

I don't really know how to start this post because, in simple terms, I didn't ever have to expect to write it. I hear a lot about relapse, but I just never though that I would be there - and that was naive, and wishful of me, and now I know better because here I am babbling instead of writing a clever first line to catch your attention. I've put off writing this post because it's messy, and sad, and I feel completely different to how I felt then, but I feel like it's important to put it out there. In February, I relapsed.

I wish I could sit here and say x and y caused this relapse, I wish I could say it helped, I wish I could say that I got the support that I needed when it happened; but that really isn't the case. What caused the relapse was how lonely I was. Life was isolating and grey, and I kept trying to reach out for the support that I needed but it just wasn't there; and that isn't me putting my actions onto someone else's shoulders - I made the decision that night - but shouting into a void was getting too much. Then one night, a Friday night after a day that I don't care to remember now, I relapsed. It didn't help, I didn't feel better.

The support I got afterwards was minimal. A lot of people I felt I could reach out to I did, and that did help to have people remind me this wasn't undoing the stitching that I'd put in for two years before this - but there were a lot of people I should have been able to reach out to for support that I really didn't feel like I could and, as it turned out, rightfully so. So, I kept this quiet, I healed and I spent weeks angry with myself for making that decision when I already knew that it wouldn't help, when I worked so hard to get past that when I've been clean for so long. Then I identified the issue, I worked around it and I let it go. A lot has changed since then and writing this story up has definitely made me realise how lucky I am that this life changed and left me in a very different position.

I'm not letting myself be sad about this anymore, or angry about it. I'm letting myself heal and grow and start again to mark how far I've come in time. I'm not slipping back into old habits, I'm not blaming it on everyone else like I did last time; I'm taking a breath and letting it go, and realising how different - and for the better - my life is right now compared to that night that broke down everything that I worked for. Relapse is never easy, and I hope I'll never have to write another post like this again, but if I do? I do. It happens, I'm still growing and sometimes I'll make mistakes. I hope that the growth that I make far outweighs them.

If you have any tips moving forward, or even just kind words, please do leave them below.

Sammy xo.

1 comment:

  1. I hope you're doing okay lovely, I can imagine how awful this is for you, I've experienced it before and I find it very hard to talk about so I admire people who can speak openly about it. I think you need to know it's okay to have feelings etc come back to you, it's hard to completely ever get rid of something in your past, but it's also okay to feel down and sad, I think in this age there's way too much pretense about happiness and I know you're definitely not alone. If you ever need anything you can talk to me, I know it's sometimes hard to open up to a stranger but sometimes it's helpful. Look after yourself, there's nothing wrong with putting yourself first too, not everyone can always understand xx